THE NITELIFE SURVIVAL GUIDE

THE FUN ALWAYS BEGINS AFTER DARK (WHEN YOU'LL MEET COOL PEOPLE WHO SPELL NITE LIKE I DO). BUT IT COULD ALSO BE A PRETTY SCARY TIME... WHAT WITH ALL THE BOOZE AND UNTAMED LIBIDO LURKING AROUND EVERY MUSTY CORNER... SO READ ON AND BE SAFE KIDS.

DANCEFLOOR WOES

THE MUSIC'S BANGING, THE FLOOR'S PACKED, AND THERE YOU ARE, SMOTHERED BY A RELENTLESS MOB OF HAIRY CHESTS AND GYRATING BOOTIES. HEED THESE TIPS IF YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE ROOM TO BREATHE.

INTIMIDATE: ENGAGE IN VIGOROUS PELVIC THRUSTING WITH THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU. (WORKS BEST IF YOU'RE A 40-SOMETHING MALE IN TIGHT PANTS AND A FRILLY BLOUSE)

NAUSEATE: FORGO THE DEODORANT AND FLAIL THOSE ARMS LIKE IT'S CHRISTMAS.

AGITATE: PRETEND TO HAVE SOME SORT OF SPIRITUAL BREAKDOWN; THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR AND FALL TO YOUR KNEES WHILE OMINOUSLY CHANTING LINES FROM A SPICE GIRLS SONG.

SUFFOCATE: LET OUT THE MOST EYE-SMARTING, GAG-INDUCING FART YOU CAN MUSTER - NINJA STYLE... SILENT BUT DEADLY.

ETIQUETTE

BE NICE TO BARTENDERS, BOUNCERS, DJ'S, AND FELLOW CLUBBERS, AND THEY SHALL LOVE YOU IN RETURN.

I.D.'S: TO GET YOU IN THE CLUB AND OUT, DOOR PEEPS MIGHT NEED VERIFICATION OF YOUR REAL AGE.

RESPECT THY NEIGHBOR: SOUND TRAVELS, AND NOT EVERYONE WILL BE AWAKE IN THE SMALL HOURS OF THE SHITTY APARTMENT YOU LIVE IN. MAKE NICE AND SHUT UP.

LEAVE NO TRACE: YOUR LIFE'S NOT OVER EVEN WHEN THE NIGHT IS. DON'T DO ANYTHING YOU MIGHT REGRET.

HANDLING DRUNKS

IT'S ALWAYS A DELICATE JOB HANDLING YOUR DRUNKEN FRIENDS... AND IT'S NOT ALL THAT NICE LEAVING THEM SLEEPING ON THE SIDEWALK. HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO HELP YOU AND YOUR DRUNKEN FOLK GET THROUGH THE NIGHT.

VIOLENT DRUNKS: KEEP AGGRO DRUNKS IN CHECK BY SIMPLY ENGAGING THEIR ATTENTION ON SOMETHING NICE, LIKE RABBITS AND RAINBOWS, PERHAPS. OR MAYBE OFFER SOME CUDDLES... WORSE COMES TO WORSE, FILM THEM BEING A MORON IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF LAUGHING PEOPLE AND SHOW THEM IN THE MORNING. THIS WILL MOST LIKELY PREVENT THIS ACT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN.

EMOTIONAL DRUNKS: MORE CUDDLES, AS WELL AS LENDING AN EAR OR SHOULDER TO CRY ON ARE IN ORDER FOR THESE PEOPLE. TRY TO AVOID PEOPLE LIKE THIS BECAUSE IN THE END IT'S JUST PLAIN ANNOYING AND WILL MOST LIKELY BECOME A REGULAR OCCURRENCE.

TALKATIVE DRUNKS: LISTEN... AND EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT, THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO TELL ANYWAYS.

VOMITING DRUNKS: SOME PEOPLE JUST CAN'T KEEP IT DOWN. BUT STILL, BE A FRIEND, HOLD THEIR HAIR BACK AND SIT WITH THEM UNTIL IT CLEARS UP BEFORE PUTTING THEM IN A CAB WITH SOME PLASTIC BAGS AND TISSUES. FILMING THEM DURING THE ACT TO PREVENT REPEATS CAN ALSO APPLY TO THIS SITUATION.

INCAPACITATED DRUNKS: IT'S SIMPLY TIME TO GO HOME.

EMERGENCIES

SHOULD THESE THINGS HAPPEN, STAY CALM, REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU AND CHECK BELOW TO SEE HOW TO GET THROUGH THE WORST.

99% OF ALL SERIOUS EMERGENCIES: CALL 911 YOU DUMBASS

LOSING YOUR GROUP: OK WELL WE'RE NOT ALL IN KINDERGARTEN ON THE BUDDY-BUDDY SYSTEM ANYMORE. IF YOU'RE FRIENDS CAN'T FIND YOU, OR YOU CAN'T FIND THEM... AND NONE OF YOU HAVE A WORKING CELL PHONE. TAKE YOUR ASS HOME AND DEAL WITH IT LATER. THEY'LL UNDERSTAND.

BUILDING A SHELTER: IF SOMEHOW YOU CAN'T GET HOME OR ARE SIMPLY HOMELESS, FIND YOURSELF A MAKESHIFT ONE. GO AU NATURAL UNDER A BIG TREE OR IN A CAVE (PROVIDED YOU ARE BY A MOUNTAIN). OR SAMPLE SOME MAN MADE WONDERS LIKE TUNNELS, UNDER HIGHWAY BRIDGES, ABANDONED HOUSES OR THE PLAYGROUND. REMEMBER TO STAY ALERT DURING THIS SITUATION... LIKE JAMES BOND... OR YOU MIGHT GET SHANKED.

THE ROUGH MORNINGS

THEY SAY THE BEST MEASURE OF A NIGHT OUT IS HOW SMASHED YOU ARE IN THE MORNING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO'VE HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH FUN THE NIGHT BEFORE, I'LL SHARE SOME SIMPLE REMEDIES TO SEE OFF THOSE HANGOVER BLUES.

HONEY WITH/AND/OR TOAST: REPLENISHES ALL OF THE LOST SODIUM, POTASSIUM, AND FRUCTOSE IN YOUR TOXIN-RIDDEN BODY.

APPLES: EATING APPLES ON AN EMPTY STOMACH THEY DAY AFTER DRINKING JUST MAKES YOU FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY ON THE INSIDE.

BANANA MILKSHAKE: WHEN YOU CAN FINALLY FEEL YOUR ARMS AND LEGS AGAIN, BLEND UP SOME BANANA, MILK, ICE, AND HONEY FOR A QUICK HANGOVER FIX. BANANA AND HONEY PUMP UP YOUR BLOOD SUGAR LEVELS, WHILE MILK SOOTHES YOUR TORTURED GUT AND HELPS RE-HYDRATE YOUR SYSTEM.

TEA: A TRIED AND TESTED REMEDY. HELPS GET RID OF EXTRA GAS TOO.

VITAMIN C: THIS IS THE MIRACLE THAT GETS YOUR LIVER WORKING HARD TO BREAK DOWN THE ALCOHOL. TRY ORANGE JUICE OR THOSE COOL CHEWABLE PILLS THAT ARE SHAPED LIKE ANIMALS.

WATER AND SLEEP: JUST LIKE YOUR MOMMA TOLD YOU

TYLENOL PM: FIXES THE MOSHPIT THAT IS GOING ON INSIDE YOUR CRANIUM WHILE KNOCKING YOU UNCONSCIOUS TO SLEEP THROUGH THE PAIN.

PHO: DON'T ASK, JUST DO.